One Step Forward, Two Steps Back
I have a friend who sends me jobs. Out of every 7 jobs, I would only follow-up on maybe one. Mostly because they were low-paying or far commutes… But being sent jobs was a constant reminder of my failed career. I have been through two layoffs (one 9 months pregnant) and several dead-end temp jobs – all while applying to hundreds of jobs with no call backs. That did something to me. It changed me. I simply had one too many rejection letters to believe in myself anymore.
So I put a lot more time into blogging. But as an influencer, you are on social media a lot. It can be fun but to an already bruised ego, I was watching all of my friends celebrate their promotions as I sat at home, feeling like a college reject with 50k of debt that her husband pays for. So eventually I stopped looking for work as a defense mechanism. I told everyone I was committed to being a Stay At Home Mom but truthfully I was just tired. Tired of the rejection, tired of answering “how is the job search going?” and tired of unsolicited advice. But that didn’t stop people from telling me how “lucky” I was to be home with my “baby”. If that wasn’t enough, my husband got all the praise in the world for “taking care” of me… as if I was a burden. As if wasn’t taking care of my son. As if I never took care of us. As if I didn’t sacrifice for my family and my husband’s demanding career. Don’t get me wrong, my son brings me joy but just being his mom was never enough. I know I said it was, but it wasn’t. It is a thankless and exhausting job without pay. And can’t even put it on my resume… a resume that desperately needs an update.
You hear me talking a lot about finding balance, self care, doing yoga and getting away. Unfortunately none of my practices ever had a lasting effect on me. Unlike the average mom, my self care requires much more than a pedicure and a few inspirational memes. I have been suffering with anxiety and depression for some time now. I remember in 2015 crying became normal for me… so normal that I would cry in public at the drop of a dime. I knew it was bad when my husband stopped asking me what was wrong.
I never had an answer anyway.
People often assume that I am this overly confident person but I am fighting self-doubt every. single. day. I hesitate on doing the simplest of things. I have this fear of failing and wasting my time which has made me extremely fragile. So no matter how many people tell me that I am talented, it doesn’t add up. I don’t have much to show for it. I can’t get hired for it and I can barely make money from it. I know that words are powerful but so are thoughts. So even if I never said this out loud, this is what is in my head. As a result, I find myself taking one step forward and two steps back. When your anxiety physically stops you and your depression mentally stops you… you can’t make muchprogress.
For instance… I was given a lead on a job two weeks ago. I took days to even print the application that was sent to me. My mind told me this was going to be a waste of time. As I began to fill out the form, I remembered how many times I have done THIS before and gotten NOTHING out of it. By the time I made it to the employment history section, I couldn’t relive my unsuccessful past. My chest was getting tight and I started to draw blanks. So I put the pen down and threw the application away.
Today was the deadline.
Safe to say I won’t be getting that job either. The funny thing is I didn’t even want the job. I just need work but I don’t even know what I should be doing anymore. I lost myself.
Everyone tells me that entrepreneurship is my calling but I didn’t even have the guts to apply for one job. How could I have the guts to be an entrepreneur?
To be continued…