34 Days of Self-Care: Follow Up
This fall I committed to 34-Days of Self-Care leading up to my 34th birthday. In effort to be fully transparent and hold myself accountable, I will tell you how my plans mentioned in this previous post worked out.
Every morning I meditated for 5-10 minutes. Thanks to weekly yoga sessions, I am much better at clearing my mind. I have a spare room where I light my incense and play meditation music. It was really important for me to get up WELL before my son so that I wasn’t interrupted. The only problem is that I stopped doing this after about two weeks. I got a sinus infection and then lost my mojo. There goes that…
I felt like the prompts were pretty redundant. I found myself writing very similar answers. A word that constantly came up was FREEDOM. I haven’t been free mentally, spiritually, physically or financial in a LONG TIME. I am burdened by my own life and the only person that can save me is myself. I think this year was a year of realizing who I really am, what and need and what I want. This new year really needs to be about achieving it. I found freedom a few times but that was only temporary. I still wasn’t dealing with my realities.
This has to be my weakest area in life. I can’t seem to stay on track, EVER! I could have a good morning but I always end up eating like crazy towards the night. I am eating my stress away.
Well the good news is that I made a plan and stuck to it for the most part. However, there was no visible improvements because I can’t get my diet in order. After the car accident I was in earlier this year, my body still can’t be pushed too hard. This means that diet is where my change really needs to be made.
SO WHAT NOW?
Am I this fully cleansed, redefined woman? Probably not. But I am certainly more aware. Now I just need to get past the anger and disappointment that I have within myself FOR myself (for not living to my full potential) and MOVE ON. Being stuck on that is stopping me from living the rest of my life right. I have mentioned being depressed a few times but I don’t think I really made it clear on here. I am clinically depressed. I am actually on medication for my anxiety and depression. If you noticed a changed it was not the haircut (though that did helped). I was definitely a more able person this year. Even though you never saw it, I was no longer crying all day, every day. I was doing more for myself rather than just talking about it. But ever since my son started school, I have become more anxious again. I can’t rest on the excuse that I have him all day. I don’t. NOW is the time more than ever to move forward and it’s scary. I have so many things I want to be and places I see myself (and Noah) but I don’t know how to make it all happen. It feels like starting all over. Like the last 10 years of my life flew by and it’s all a blur. Yesterday I was supposed to begin coming off the medication. The funny thing is that as hesitant as I was to go on the medication, I was nervous to come off. I sat in the doctor’s office like it was my first day – in tears just from being asked certain questions. She looked at me and said: “I think we should give it 3 more months.”. It was like graduation day and not getting your diploma. I am not trying to be on medication for life.
I want to self-manage through self-care and for goodness sake living more fckin fearlessly. I am not quite there yet so there is still work to be done. At least my teeth are whiter…